SATIRE: The quick and easy guide to useless college degrees

Learn how to keep your dream jobs right where they belong… in your head


Danijel Zekanovic

High school is over and now you have been placed in the big leagues: college. Mom and dad have been telling you to pursue a degree in the STEM field, but you have your heart set on becoming the next Aristotle and have chosen philosophy as your major.

In this guide, you will learn about the amazing job opportunities some of the most popular liberal arts majors provide for those fresh out of college, and how you can attain a wondrous career opportunity in just four easy years.

Degree #1: Philosophy

Career available after college: Philosophy professor

Job description: After sitting in a crowded lecture room for eight semesters, you have been chosen to pick up the reigns and rule your own philosophy classroom. Be wary, however, as all 120 of your classmates are vying for the same position, and unless you know the great Greek philosophies like the back of Zeus’ hand, your chances of teaching at the university you graduated from are slim to none.

Summary: Hope you like teaching at a Kansas community college.

Degree #2: Psychology

Career available after college: Psychology textbook writer, Dr. Phil’s (unpaid) intern

Job Description: Freud, Maslow and Pavlov must be names burned into the back of your mind after countless hours of cramming for psychology test after psychology test, and now you can help train the future generation’s psychologists. No, not as a teacher, but as the often overlooked textbook writer for this year’s edition of Psychology 101. What better way to put your knowledge of psychology to the test?

If you are not interested in exploiting the college textbook system, consider working as an intern for one of the nation’s top psychologists. Finding a job as a psychologist does not come without experience, and after four years in the lecture halls, you seem to be lacking field expertise. Work as one of Dr. Phil’s researchers and climb your way up the ranks… in a couple of years.

Summary: Sometimes a degree is just a decoration.
Degree #3: Theatre Arts

Career available after college: Dramatic barista

Job Description: Life is hard for the starving artist, especially when your parent’s last names are neither Stallone nor Willis. After four years of hard work learning the ropes to acting, you are cast in your first role: Coffee Bean barista. While the part may not launch you into stardom, at least the funds will keep you alive and allow you to make your yearly trip to Hollywood in hopes of becoming an extra in the latest “Transformers.”

Summary: Sleeping in your car will improve studio hopping efficiency.

Degree #4: Fine Arts

Career available after college: Real estate photographer

Job Description: Murals, sculptures, portraitures: all fantastic midterm projects that ended up in the campus’ garbage chute. Once you walk off the podium with your art degree firmly grasped in your hand, the sudden realization that taking art as an elective would have taught you the same information dawns on you. Distraught, you post around on Craigslist hoping someone will pay you for your artistic ingenuity for their latest car decal.

No such luck rubs your way, and you use what funds you had left over to purchase the best camera you could afford. Luckily, your local real estate agent was looking for experienced photographers to snap photos of fine housing in your area. Thankfully, your photography elective during freshman year pays off, and you wonder how Picasso did so well as you take a wide angle shot of the latest beachfront property put up for sale.

Summary: Hopefully someone on Deviantart commissions you for something.

So what are you waiting for? Go out and seize the opportunity of a lifetime by securing one of the fantastic degrees listed above and show your software engineer friends what a REAL job looks like.