SATIRE: Being single is not my destiny

My mom tells me I’m perfect


Charli Gisi

Prom is coming up and I’m already seeing promposals left and right. All the romance is making me wonder–why don’t I have a boyfriend? I’m too perfect I guess. My interesting fashion sense and ever-changing hair color proves this much. I can’t wait for the day someone will finally see beyond my perfection and realize that I am a perfect candidate for anyone looking for the best girlfriend.

I have never been in a relationship–shocking, right? Despite my lack of experience in romance, I think I’m well-versed in the world of relationships. All of my friends are going on dates and talking to their crushes–all with my help. But when it comes to my own love life, I couldn’t be more helpless. I do everything in my power to get someone to notice me beyond my perfect looks and great personality, yet no one has the courage to step out of their comfort zone and ask me on a date. 

Maybe I’m still single because my beauty is too overwhelming, or I’m so smart, they think they’ll look dumb around me. Perhaps I look too intimidating with my piercing green eyes and eyebrow slit. Whatever the reason, I need one brave soul to step up to the challenge and ask me on a date.

Just take a good look at me–I’m the ideal person to ask out on a date. I have an unnecessarily large amount of self-confidence and my sense of humor is untouchable. I am also the best dancer, from my smooth Woah to my perfect Nae-Nae, so being life of any party is simply natural. With prom around the corner, it’s the perfect time to be asked on a date and maybe start a summer romance.

Contrary to what most people believe, I don’t sit around waiting for my Prince Charming to come; I am actively trying to find a boyfriend. Don’t listen to what you hear about me–I may walk away any time I accidentally step too close to decent people, but it’s because I don’t want to intimidate them with my goddess-like aura.

Being single for so long has led me to lower my standards. If anyone is still looking for a prom date, I’m available. I’m not into big gestures, but the simple act of asking is enough to begin a relationship with the one and only me. Corsages and boutonnières, dresses and tuxedos, prom photos and dinner–I don’t care what we do as long as I know that I’m not #ForeverAlone.

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