How to be a successful student

A satirical guide on how to make it through high school.

Noticing some serious dark circles? Great! This is a physical sign that shows how dedicated you are to the path of success!

Noticing some serious dark circles? Great! This is a physical sign that shows how dedicated you are to the path of success!

Summer Thomad

Noticing some serious dark circles? Great! This is a physical sign that shows how dedicated you are to the path of success!
Noticing some serious dark circles? Great! This is a physical sign that shows how dedicated you are to the path of success!

Just for a moment, you unglue your heavy, exhausted eyes (which are starting to resemble those of a panda) from your notes; it’s 2:26 a.m. You look around only to see your desk painted with tissues and tear stained textbook pages. You turn away from the bright laptop screen for a moment and enter a dizzy haze. You try to snap yourself out of it, blow into a used tissue, take a swig of your energy drink, and turn back to your studies. “Well, only FOUR more classes to go.”

This is the image and the feeling of success!

However, in order to achieve a glamorous future in which you can work 22 hours a day, only to come home to hungry screaming children who refuse to go to bed, you must constantly work vigorously in high school to ensure your success down the road. Simply follow these five easy steps to meet expectations and achieve success.

1. Sacrifice fun

It is important to understand that you cannot dedicate any of your time to the things that you enjoy. If you do, you will fall behind.

Anything that is not part of your plan to be successful must be thrown out the window immediately. You might as well delete your Facebook, Twitter, Netflix account, Tumblr, or anything of that nature.  Your schedule cannot accommodate any social events, or anything non-school related for that matter.

Transfer your gaming devices to the trash immediately. Remember, books that are not assigned school reading are useless and should be disposed of. You may find this difficult at first, but once you realize that fun is simply a concept generated by the media, you will have no problem letting go.

2. Work extracurriculars into your schedule

To be accepted into a worthy university, it is absolutely critical that you join several of your school’s club chapters, as well as participate in team sports. However, being a regular member will not cut it; be sure to obtain a position as an officer or leader.

Make sure to gain volunteer hours by building houses for the homeless in Mexico during your spring, summer and winter breaks. Then, start a petition for said clubs to have required back-to-back meetings from 3 to 10 p.m. so that you can join as many clubs as possible, while gathering enough graduation chords to start a collection. Your assortment of the colorful tassels should render you unable to walk properly at graduation. The inability to stand properly from the weight of your chords is a great sign of success.

Additionally, in both your competitive clubs and sports, keep in mind that you must dedicate every waking moment to making sure that you not only win, but are undefeated. Losing, as the name suggests, is for LOSERS and losers never accomplish anything.

Internships or jobs are also an absolute must. House rental and living costs won’t just pay for themselves you know! Also, look into becoming fluent in several languages. Taking your required foreign language course is just not enough anymore. Does the idea of portraying a walking, talking version of Google Translate not entice you to learn all the languages known to mankind? Set a goal to emulate this by the end of high school, and you will undoubtedly set yourself apart from your peers.

3. Organize a daily after school work routine

Once you are home after a long and tiring day filled with immaculate note taking, club meetings, daily sports practice, your job/internship, and any other after school commitments, it is time to eat. Make sure you do not forget to eat and drink, as this is essential for your survival as a human being, and if you are not alive, you will not be successful!

Unfortunately, eating takes time. To ensure that you are making the most of your time whilst eating, take up multi-tasking. Get into the habit of reading textbook chapters and spooning bites of food into your mouth simultaneously. In between reading each section or page of your book, try to converse with your family, or they will complain that “you never spend time with them.”

Also, remember to maintain personal hygiene. That dream college for medical sciences will not accept your application while aware of the fact that you have a severe case of halitosis and smell like a walking garbage disposal. If not, you may have trouble in our next step: maintaining a social life.

[vision_pullquote style=”1″ align=””] Keep in mind that sleep is just a myth that you see in the movies, and should be sacrificed; as it is not necessary to achieving success. [/vision_pullquote]

Once you are finished, make your way to your work space. By now, it should be around 10 or 11 p.m., and it is time to begin your homework. Most teachers approximate about one hour of homework per class. If you take an hour to complete the required work for each class, you should be finished with all your homework by 5 or 6 a.m.; just in time to get ready for school again! You may be wondering: when am I supposed to sleep? Keep in mind that sleep is just a myth that you see in the movies, and should be sacrificed; as it is not necessary to achieving success.

4. Keep up with your social life

Typically, friends can be a distraction from your journey to triumph, but they can also be somewhat useful. However, the only worthwhile friendships are those that work to your advantage.

Only befriend people who have a fiery passion to be the very best at everything in a similar way to yourself. By becoming friends with these people, you will be informed of their tactics to succeed, which will enable you to gain the upper hand and entice you to work harder to surpass them. If your friends are seemingly compassionate and concerned about your mental state, or are convinced that your complete and utter dedication to school is unhealthy, just cut them off; they are burdens to your life.

5. Keep straight As and a high GPA

When it comes down to it, academics are the basis of your success. It is absolutely crucial that you maintain a 4.0 GPA or higher at all times, meaning you will need straight A’s in all eight classes for all four years. Slip ups are completely unacceptable, and if they occur, you may as well give up any hopes for achieving your career goals and embrace your new life as a hermit.

Make sure that you are taking every AP (Advanced Placement) course that your school has to offer, including AP Studio Art, regardless of whether or not you have any artistic ability. Do not allow yourself to ever miss school; perfect attendance is an absolute must.  Being absent from school for any reason is unacceptable, unless you are about to undergo a life-threatening surgery. In this case, you will need to contact a friend and ask them to bring you all of the assignments you’ve missed; ideally, you should begin working on these assignments as soon as you make it out of the operating room.

Keep in mind that you will need high scores on the proficiencies and SATs as well. If you are not receiving the highest marks in every one of your classes, you are simply not working hard enough.

If you follow all of these steps, the opportunity for a successful life will be within reach! Mental and emotional break-downs or panic attacks are bound to happen a few times a week; as long as you manage to fit them in your two minutes and 36 seconds of me-time, you are in good shape.

Just remember the motto, “I will work harder.”