Satire: Preparation? A preposterous painA totally reliable article on how you can prepare for school.
Procrastination can lead to a student without any idea of how the real world works and the expectations of how life will be. Illustration by Gabi Fernandez
With June and July already gone by in the blink of an eye, you have to endure another year of school. The year has finally begun and if you don’t have your life together, no problem—someone will do it for you.
Step one is doing all the background work. The mandatory duties as a student are just suggestions, some of which being: applying for a year, registering for public transportation and paying school fees. These feats are near impossible for any student to accomplish and should be the responsibility of others.
To be prepared for school you don’t need to have all your materials ready each day. You can ask Jerry for a couple of pencils or a stack of paper if you need it. If your lowly subjects don’t do what you desired, you can smite them down with your mighty fist.
Now that supplies are out of the way, it’s time to focus on the most crucial part of preparing for school. Your clothes and appearance are what matters to people the most, while your intelligence and professional personality are mere obstacles deterring you from a successful future. Since when has being smart ever ended up with wealth?
You need to prepare a persona of the superior student. Your uncle totally works at Nintendo and you can totally get all the secrets for The Legend of Zelda. If anybody takes the attention from you, those mouth-breathers are just trying to steal the spotlight you so dearly deserve.
You must dress like you’re going to be flooded by the adoring public at any moment. Suck in that gut and slap on pounds of makeup to hide the facial flaws you totally lack. Make sure to keep the greasy hair look: the shine overpowers the awful smell of not showering. Take effort in making yourself look like a god.
Once your plan is played out, you need to figure out what is going to happen. How many Instagram likes and re-tweets are you going to get? Use the steps found here to make sure your future pans out to your expectations. Your opinion is always right.
When exams roll in, you have nothing to worry about. You have four options to bubble in. Slap on a c for every answer and you’re guaranteed to get a few right. Remember, a D isn’t a failing “grade”.