SATIRE: Water we going to dew?

Don’t fret, I have all the answers


Cassie Valdez

One would think that living on a planet made of 71 percent water automatically means an unlimited free supply of usable water. However, surprisingly enough, our resources are running thin. Clean water is becoming just as rare as the hair on balding men. 

This might be hard to believe, but bear with me. Unfortunately, the water cycle that mother nature has bestowed upon us doesn’t guarantee that rain is an infinite source of water. I guess she’s getting too old give us water, so now we have to depend ancient water pipes that put millions in danger of lead poisoning. I think we need to regulate students’ pencil usage. The lead they put in mechanical pencils is probably the root of this problem, but society won’t to accept the truth.

Anyway, without a law that guarantees access to drinkable water, one-third of all American households might not be able to afford the luxuries of showers or cooking by 2020. However, before you panic, I will have you know that I have taken on the responsibility of saving America by myself. After thoroughly analyzing the problem, I have mapped out several possible answers. Trust me, I’m in the Dental Assisting program.

From rising sea levels to depleting water supplies, it seems that the immediate solution is right in front of us. If we transport endless tons ocean water to deserts like those in Nevada, we can balance out the places that are overflowing with the places that are dehydrated. Luckily, we have Targets in Nevada, so we can buy strainers to extract all the salt out of the water. I can confirm that this does work because I saw it in a movie once.

Similarly, if your cousin in the midwest is sick and tired of flooding, ask them to just fill up an envelope with rain water. Boom, crisis averted. Of course, with an increase in technology, not everybody believes in the post office nowadays. An alternative would be to build a waterpark in your backyard. It’s like the water magically appears out of nowhere. 

But, personally, I think it’s safest if we all pack our bags and move to the beach, so we can train ourselves to survive underwater. Eventually, our bodies will adapt to the ocean and fins will form where our limbs currently are. Once we all become mermaids, we won’t have to worry about the water crisis anymore. We can rebuild Atlantis and form a new American empire.

Living on land is overrated. We shouldn’t have to care for mother earth; she should be caring for us. We’ve literally made her future so bright. Look at Las Vegas–the brightest city in the world. But since she’s too stubborn to spoil us, we just need to take matters into our own hands.

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