I often feel as though I am two entirely different people.

I have never really had a set opinion on how I feel about having a personality that contradicts itself, or whether I think of it as positive or negative–all I know is that my internally clashing personality often feels like a battle.

I can be considerably outgoing, ambitious, hard working and talkative. In a group project, I will take charge and stay on top of work, and make sure to meet deadlines. I can be productive and efficient and feel as though I have my life together. I will meet my goals and complete any responsibilities inside and out of school, as well as exercise on a somewhat regular basis and take care of myself. I’ll be social and go out and make plans with friends. I am an unstoppable, well-oiled machine.

My other personality encompasses the polar opposite. Laziness consumes my entire life like the plague. I just cannot bring myself to accomplish anything, and whatever I do feels like a waste of time. I lack interest and procrastinate until minutes before an assignment is due (in fact, that is my situation at this very moment). I feel like a prop in class, sitting and staring off into the abyss with nothing to contribute as my teacher explains an algebraic notion.

I suppose most people experience this type of hot and cold state of mind to some extent, but when it comes to myself, I feel that I can’t seem to find any balance. It is continually one or the other. I often refer to myself as an introverted extrovert. Instead of being a balanced yin-yang, I am a walking oxymoron.

As one could imagine, these two personalities do not get along. Personality one gets trapped in personality two, but never fails to remind me of its existence. It’s like a blister constantly rubbing against my heel, quietly but surely telling me about how my GPA will suffer or that I am a complete loser. Sometimes, all it can take is a bad test grade or a feeling of doubt in my writing–a small bluster of wind–to cause a tornado, sucking in any ambition I had, and leaving an uninterested and unmotivated counterpart. Even then, the energetic and enthusiastic person still lives within, and longs for a chance to be released once again.

As summer break is now a haze behind my current endeavors, I can no longer avoid my internal conflict academically. My junior year is entering full swing, which means the amount of responsibilities I will have to juggle is increasing; creating a new game plan will be crucial. What’s my greatest objective? To create a balanced lifestyle that doesn’t fall through mid year; no longer will I be an oxymoron.