I often feel as though I am two entirely different people.

I have never really had a set opinion on how I feel about having a personality that contradicts itself, or whether I think of it as positive or negative–all I know is that my internally clashing personality often feels like a battle.

I can be considerably outgoing, ambitious, hard working and talkative. In a group project, I will take charge and stay on top of work, and make sure to meet deadlines. I can be productive and efficient and feel as though I have my life together. I will meet my goals and complete any responsibilities inside and out of school, as well as exercise on a somewhat regular basis and take care of myself. I’ll be social and go out and make plans with friends. I am an unstoppable, well-oiled machine.

My other personality encompasses the polar opposite. Laziness consumes my entire life like the plague. I just cannot bring myself to accomplish anything, and whatever I do feels like a waste of time. I lack interest and procrastinate until minutes before an assignment is due (in fact, that is my situation at this very moment). I feel like a prop in class, sitting and staring off into the abyss with nothing to contribute as my teacher explains an algebraic notion.

I suppose most people experience this type of hot and cold state of mind to some extent, but when it comes to myself, I feel that I can’t seem to find any balance. It is continually one or the other. I often refer to myself as an introverted extrovert. Instead of being a balanced yin-yang, I am a walking oxymoron.

[vision_pullquote style=”1″ align=””] Instead of being a balanced yin-yang, I am a walking oxymoron. [/vision_pullquote]

As one could imagine, these two personalities do not get along. Personality one gets trapped in personality two, but never fails to remind me of its existence. It’s like a blister constantly rubbing against my heel, quietly but surely telling me about how my GPA will suffer or that I am a complete loser. Sometimes, all it can take is a bad test grade or a feeling of doubt in my writing–a small bluster of wind–to cause a tornado, sucking in any ambition I had, and leaving an uninterested and unmotivated counterpart. Even then, the energetic and enthusiastic person still lives within, and longs for a chance to be released once again.

As summer break is now a haze behind my current endeavors, I can no longer avoid my internal conflict academically. My junior year is entering full swing, which means the amount of responsibilities I will have to juggle is increasing; creating a new game plan will be crucial. What’s my greatest objective? To create a balanced lifestyle that doesn’t fall through mid year; no longer will I be an oxymoron.