“I’ve been watchin’ you for some time / Can’t stop starin’ at those ocean eyes” were the first lyrics I listened to of Billie Eilish’s. As a bored third grader, I had been scrolling through YouTube in search of something entertaining to cure my dull after school evening. That was when I stumbled upon a YouTube subcategory of Roblox music videos. I watched video after video, some featured my favorite songs at the time, others featured ones I hated. I eventually found a video, featuring a song called “Ocean Eyes” by a young teenager named Billie Eilish. This is the first mark Billie has ever had on me, her first impression is unforgettable.

When listening to “Ocean Eyes” for the first time, and seeing the visuals in the video, I felt a variety of emotions. Sadness because of her tone, but awe in the picture it painted. What drew my attention the most was her voice, her unusual tempo, and overall music style. It pushed me to dig deeper into her music, in which I discovered and absolutely devoured her LP “Don’t Smile At Me.” I began to publicize my interest in her when her album, “WHEN WE ALL FALL ASLEEP, WHERE DID WE GO?” released. It raised concern within my family, especially my grandma, as she was concerned why her grandson in fourth grade was listening to a teenager with spiders crawling all over her. 

Now at the age of 16, the obsession goes untouched. I am always wearing some sort of Billie merch. Often with her logo, called “Blohsh,” which is a left-slanted stick figure used to symbolize her. Whether I am wearing a Blohsh necklace, pair of earrings, or a jacket with her album “HIT ME HARD AND SOFT” printed on it, I always have something of hers on. It’s as if she has become a part of my public profile. If not merch, then her fragrance line. I own every fragrance Billie has released ever, selecting Eilish No.1 as my scent profile. In total, I own over 1k in her merchandise. 

From fourth grade forward, Eilish had always been someone I’ve been associated with by my peers. Recently however, when I have someone guess my favorite artist, I swear they always guess Billie Eilish right. Most recently, I had an interview where I told my employer Billie was my favorite artist, and she responded with “Yeah, I can definitely see that. I get that vibe off of you.” And it made me question, what components am I possessing that is giving this assumption outside of my public support of her? How are these people who don’t know anything about me guessing she’s my favorite artist correctly the first time?

Well, ever since I began listening to Eilish in the third grade, I have since noticed how much of an influence she has had on me. This is most notably with my sense of style. Ever since I began listening to her, my closet has mirrored hers. She wore baggy clothes, so I wore baggy clothes. She now wears fitted clothes, so I now wear fitted clothes. This isn’t because I want to be her. Rather, I’m seeing someone that I look up to try new things, which inspires me to try them too. Disregarding any merch I may wear, my assumption placed upon me that I am a Billie fan before telling someone I believe is because I tend to mirror her, especially in her closet. 

While listening to her music, I really pay attention to the emotional ties and memories that seem to resurface every time I listen to some of her songs. One that stands out the most for me is her single, “What Was I Made For?” I remember listening to this song for the first time; I was and am still very impressed with her vocals and how she layers them. The song was created for the Barbie movie, which prompted the music video for the song. In this music video, Billie is wearing a green dress and a blonde wig styled into a ponytail, meant to symbolize the famous doll. She opens a box with outfits meant for Barbies, however these outfits are replicas of Billie’s throughout her career. For example, the yellow sweater in her music video for “Bellyache.” Or the plain white outfit with chains she wore in her music video “When The Party’s Over.” What struck me hardest when seeing this video for the first time, and every time I see it forward, was the feeling of nostalgia. Though the outfits are meant to symbolize different points throughout her career, it reminds me of different points in my life, such as being in fifth grade and eagerly wanting to dye my hair blue because of how it looked on Billie, the influence has always been there.

Outside of physical impact, Billie has taken a positive toll on my mental health as I see her as a form of therapy. I see this primarily from her album “Happier Than Ever.” I feel heavy emotion during songs like “Getting Older,” due to the sentimental feeling it gives me about growing up and the responsibilities it brings. Other songs like “Happier Than Ever,” got me through tough relationships. The reason I believe I continue to stay drawn to Billie is because I can always find a song for my situation, which brings me a sense of comfort. 

Finally, being a part of Billies fandom has helped to build many of the friendships I have today. To share excitement for her projects with someone who has the same excitement for her as me is exciting. I like learning more about my friends, and their emotional ties to her music and their reason for liking her. The minute she posts, I’m sending it to all my Billie fan mutuals. Recently, she posted a teaser for an upcoming fragrance. I sent it immediately to all of my friends who like Billie, and we all shared our excitement for it. It feels so comforting to be able to share this excitement with others that give that same energy towards her back. 

If it wasn’t obvious now, Billie Eilish is my favorite artist. For someone to curate songs so perfectly that fit my situations brings a different level of comfort. After being a fan of hers for seven years and eagerly trying to attend her concerts, I finally managed to get tickets for her “HIT ME HARD AND SOFT” tour this November. This will be my first time attending a concert of hers, and to say I am excited is an understatement. I can only imagine all the emotions I’ll feel. Singing the songs by the person I watch grow, and helped me grow, spikes my excitement to an unmanageable level. I can’t wait to see her future projects and growth overall, and I am even more interested in how these will impact me.