The United States has been at war against its own citizens for over a decade now. Everyday, we’re sprayed with abominations, forced to face subpar water pressure, and soaked in water not fit for animals, let alone humans. The war on water pressure is a war on life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Just two weeks ago, I stood soaking beneath the showerhead for my regular hour-long shower, when the dissatisfaction of knowing I stood beneath a weak waterhead hit me like a ton of bricks. Is this the life I was meant to live? Is this what my ancestors immigrated to this free country for? Restrictions on the very water that cleanses me? And the ill-fated millionaires, restricted to only a showerhead or two must stand beneath that same shower head knowing that their fortune means nothing to the bold, red, bureaucratic tape wrapped around and choking the freedoms their fortune should entitle them to.
So, when I awoke April 16, I brushed my teeth with America’s water, washed my dishes with America’s water, and washed my hair with America’s water, I still felt depressed. I felt unfulfilled and aimless. Until I turned on the news and saw President Donald J. Trump making America’s showers great again. With the swoosh of a pen, my rights to soak under fully pressurized water were finally reclaimed.
Rescinding a law placed by the Obama Administration that restricted the gallons of water per minute that could be used, President Trump ended the war on water pressure in moments. After signing an executive order, Trump effectively deconstructed the overly pretentious definition of the word showerhead written by the Obama/Biden administration from 3,000 words of liberal and scientific junk to one short sentence. That short sentence, as sweet as the phrase “God Bless America,” will become an anthem that will ring through time. The only sound sweeter than President Trump uttering the true definition of a showerhead, is the ringing of the liberty bell. No longer will multi-nozzle shower heads be limited to a mere 2.5 gallons of water per minute! My gratitude and pride cannot be fully expressed.
Obama’s unnecessary definition that probably tied up our government representatives for a good chunk of a day was a simple waste of time, energy, and taxpayer money. Trump’s hard work and effort to construct and sign that executive order, enforce its chance, and do a public press release gave the government so much more time to focus on other things…
Naysayers cry, “But isn’t there more important legislation to be passed?!” They point at our failing education systems, but how can students possibly focus if their hair care routine is not optimized? People point to our shaky economics, but how can businesses succeed if their workers have to spend 15 minutes in the shower to be properly soaked? The productivity lost! Efficiency wasted! People gape at our unemployment rates, but how can people get a job if their hair has not been properly doused? We cannot build a great country without the proper foundation, and that foundation is the water that comes from our shower heads.
I, for one, am proud that the legal writers, advisors, and President of the United States see the problem at hand and place enough importance on it. After all, how can the very President of the United States do well unless his hair is at its best?
It’s a matter of principle. Of course, I don’t yet have the money to afford multi-nozzle shower heads to benefit from increased showerhead flow (shaky economics). And I don’t yet have the education to understand how water pressure would even be increased (failing education). I don’t yet have a job to pressure blast my hair for (unemployment rates). But I’m sure more legislation based on American ideals and principles will fix that soon. Hopefully.
