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Students Compete in Fashion Forward Competition

SATIRE: Apple is back at it again

Now presenting, the iPhone X

From the people who brought you overworked factory employees, Apple presents the all new iPhone X, coming this Friday. With a starting price of $999, there’s no reason why you shouldn’t buy one. All you have to do is pester your parents for some cash–no biggie.

Not only is there a brand new design, but there are also brand new, never before seen features. Who cares if it’s the most expensive iPhone yet? From the inductive wireless charging to the fancy A11 bionic processor, the price is all justified through all the technological breakthroughs with one piece of technology. 

Sure, it may seem like a lot of money at first, but don’t worry it’s not as bad as it seems. As long as you have (48 payments of) $20.81, you’ll be fine. Plus, I’m sure your cellphone service provider offers a payment plan; you can just commit to that and rub it in your ex’s face that you actually are good at commitment. 

Sure, you’ll have to pay for college tuition sooner than may realize, but you can worry about that later. You absolutely have to get this phone for the new TrueDepth photo technology; it makes the background blurry through the front facing camera. Think about how much your Instagram feed will benefit with all those almost professional-looking selfies. Forget about buying bulky DSLRs for half the price.

Sure, there are people in need who probably deserve the money more than any capitalistic company named after an eaten piece of fruit, but think about the cool new Animojis you can control with your face. I don’t see any of those brick-like Samsung phones doing that. The only thing the iPhone X will blow up is your mind.

Sure, there are other ways to invest $999, but I mean, there really isn’t any smarter of a decision than choosing the smartest smartphone on the market. Some may argue that you should save money for food and water, but if you think about it, you don’t need extravagant meals. In a few days, you can just scavenge grocery stores for discount post-Halloween Snickers bars. According to the commercials, those chocolates literally revitalize you.

Sure, a new iPhone may come out while you’re halfway through paying for the iPhone X, but you can at least brag for those couple of months. Forget all the haters who tell you that you spend money recklessly. That’s just their way of justifying why they can’t have an iPhone X. They’re just mad your smartphone pops and there’s doesn’t. 

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