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Southwest Shadow

Southwest Shadow

Southwest Shadow

Coyote Congress Influences School Spirit

SATIRE: Finding fame, my true purpose

No need to be real

Listen, I know I should be thinking about my future or preparing for college–but my life has bigger purpose than that. All education has done for me is given me a letter grade, and that doesn’t even get likes on Instagram. Nobody cares about my straight C honor roll, and I can’t continue pretending like I was born just to grow old, accumulate debt and stay a nobody.

I know I am special, my mom says it everyday, so I am not going to waste my talent just to stay a loser with an irrelevant letter to my name. Life has to have more in store for me than receiving a slip of paper to say I graduated. In fact, life is all about creating a platform to show your friends, and random people you don’t know, how great you are. This is why I am dropping out of high school to become a social media influencer.

I know a lot of other influencers become popular by posting pictures of themselves on vacations in Bora Bora, but I think the best way to go viral is by showcasing the things that happen on a day-to-day basis. People always see the same old posts on social media; it’s about time for some authenticity and originality, if you ask me.

I mean, who doesn’t want to see what I do when I run out of toilet paper while home alone or watch a 16 hour livestream of me breathing heavily into a $1,000 microphone. We are invested in the lives of celebrities all the time, so why not watch mine–a local making their dreams come true.

Once I build my relevance, I will put all the losers who stayed in school and got real jobs to shame. My peers will be regretting their life choices, especially when my biggest problem is having to choose how to spend my days, while they pick out wedding rings or homes to start families in. Between staying at my 700,000 square foot beach house with my pet sharks or visiting my city condo with a billboard view and personal butler, the life I’ll have will outclass their boring existences by a landslide. 

Living my life any other way than luxuriously sounds like a nightmare. I don’t see the greatness in moving into the suburbs and starting a family like my peers, especially when the only family I need is the one I create online. After all, we need people like me to keep society distracted from the tragedies that occur, like wars and the crashing stock market.

Without the famous people we adore so ignorantly, adults might have to actually develop their own opinions, personalities and, even worse, move on with their lives without constantly checking into others. If my life has any purpose at all, it would be to keep society in balance—even if that means stealing the spotlight from those who are genuinely talented.

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