As the year draws to a close, the weight of reality dawns on you; you’re growing older. Birthdays become a recurring reminder of another fraction of your life slipping away before your eyes. As you age, you may grow apathetic and indifferent to things that used to bring you joy. Relationships grow complicated, trapped within a mirror of a past self. Ellur’s new album, “At Home In My Mind,” brings the reality of growing up and the psychological distress during the change of your identity. The artist brings this apprehension faced by many and the overwhelming fear that grips the mind.
The album has ten songs. The fifth, “Yellow Light,” has an upbeat instrumental strum with guitar and melody-focused composition. Its mellow lyrics follow the line, “All of the promises I made to you are locked in a box somewhere in my bedroom.” It introduces the declaration of love and past broken promises between the artist and her partner. “You call me a child and I wanna fight it/ But I know you’re right, I know you’re right.” Her “Yellow Light” is essentially her relying on her mind, retreating back into her old sense of self. This track speaks to me personally through its complete honesty in finding resonance in the mind. I resonate with the artist in self-perpetuating flaws from finding comfort from someone else, or retreating into the mind for our inner child, only to be reduced to a shell of her former self. I think this track does well in documenting Ellur’s self-awareness and blaming external factors, which can resonate with the heavy struggles, insecurities, and uncertainties that many students feel themselves.
The seventh track, “Disintegrate,” is composed with harmonizing vocals and an electronic drum beat composed of bass and synths. The track is characterized by the artist’s repeated cycle of her oppressive behavior in her relationship. “I look through all my mistakes / Was I suffocating you?” It implies a sense of codependency; her continued mistakes make her become overbearing for her partner, causing her to emotionally fall apart from the distress. This song, by far, is my favorite of the album. The mellow, honest vocals combined with the steady beat, later morphs into a heavy rock-like track that erupts in the form of bass and drums, initiating a powerful contrast to the soft cadence in the beginning. I feel it really creates an atmospheric build by using the subdued rhythm and surprising the listener once the clash of instruments release.
“At Home in My Mind,” the ninth and signature song of the album, emphasizes the thought of confinement in one’s mind heard in a blend of guitar, piano and mellow vocals. The ambient rhythm follows the line, “Think I’ve been losing myself lately / I’m someone that I don’t know,” reinforces the idea of the abnormal change she notices within her inner self. “Is there someone who can hold me and make me feel at home in my mind,” implies her need for validation, comfort and self-worth with herself, tying with the “Disintegrate” track. It reflects upon the desire to fix oneself within a relationship through desperate emotional attachment. I think this track helps reinforce the major takeaway of the album, the inevitable fear of growing up. What makes this track so great is its ability to blend vocals over soft instruments that contrast with its indie-rock element that the artist pours her heart into. The constant rhythmic shifts is what makes me love the album the most through its dynamic arrangement changes for better song variation.
These songs strengthen the purpose of the album; maturity often brings a dissociation from one’s sense of self. Detachment from your previous self divides your consciousness in the unpredictable aspects of life. Overthinking while relying on the single semblance of your past allows vulnerability in relationships, just as much as it causes pain. “At Home In My Mind” brings to light that this blossoming stage of life triggers an intense emotional outburst within the mind, diminishing her relationships through her constrictive and smothering behavior in an attempt to find her inner self once more.
By soft-vocals and influenced songs, “At Home In My Mind,” connects to vulnerability and brutal honesty of getting older expressed in its songwriting. Its slow, energetic melodies paired with its reflective, sincere lyrics. If you want to explore the complexities of self-discovery in adulthood, listen to “At Home In My Mind.”
